It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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