We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
