I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
