It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
