Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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