you mean i was at the winter classic?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
