I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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