I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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