if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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