Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
be right there i have to get my cape
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
