apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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