This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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