he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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