So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My cat gives me a boner
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
