Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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