I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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