if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
