Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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