so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
