I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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