the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
