Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
