I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
