totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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