i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
