I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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