I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
