This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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