Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
