At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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