i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
