News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
