I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
