The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
