I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
