sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
