What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
