I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
