I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
