tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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