Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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