I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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