What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
