I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize