dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
