I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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