Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
