drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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