I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
