I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
