i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize