Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
