it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Randomize
