Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
this boner is exhausting
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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