just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Found your dick twin last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
