my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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