Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
